Adam Tishler, 33, found a fool-proof way to get his fellow party-goers to look away from his boner, late Friday night.

Adam had spent much of his adult life concealing boners. Like many men, he figured he would stop getting obtrusive boners once he passed middle school. Once middle school, high school, and university came and went, Adam figured that the boners would end if he bought a blazer and got his real estate license. “Nothing worked,” says Tishler. According to his clients, he even learned just enough to be pedantic about the Middle East. “I was sure that anyone who could talk about the Middle East, uninterrupted, for 25 minutes, was definitely an adult and couldn’t have a big accidental boner.”

Halloween can be one of the most difficult times of year for boners. In past years, Tishler would dress up in costumes with boner-concealing properties. Anything with a box, something plush around the problem-area, or even a costume where a hard penis made sense: “One year I went as Bill Clinton, which was hilarious. Another year I went as Matthew McConaughey, which was hilarious. I tried going as ‘Me in Middle School, but Sexy’ in 2012. It didn’t go that well.”

The challenge with Halloween, according to irrepressibly horny adults, is that a lot of beautiful women look nice. It was this observation that led Tishler to his revolutionary “attack and distract” method. “This Halloween weekend, one girl was dressed up as a sexy nurse. I looked at her and before I knew it, the storm was brewing. My penis popped so hard that I fell a bit forward. That was the final straw. I started to complain to the guys around me. ‘What’s with women using Halloween as an excuse to dress like sluts? We get it, you guys are hot and want us to have middle-school boners!’ They all laughed and I noticed they also stopped looking at my penis. That was the best day.”

When the sexy nurse was questioned as to her feelings about the incident, she denied to answer too many questions. “As a nurse, I’m required by law not to release any information about patients at the hospital. Also, Halloween is a very busy time for us, I can’t be expected to remember every boner I see that night.”

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