Dear Expert,

It’s an average Tuesday afternoon at work. I have been on Tinder, trying to find my soulmate. I had been swiping left for a while. It had just been a slew of men that I couldn’t see as the father of my future children. I was about to give up and get back to conducting my presentation, when a close-up of a rippling six-pack popped up on my screen. I can’t stress how great these abs were. The divots between each ab were so deep, you could lose a finger in them. I instantly felt a connection. His abs looked like he was really smart, nice and caring. I want to swipe right, but here is my question. Does he have a head? And if he doesn’t, will our children be born without heads? I know I love him, so it shouldn’t matter, but I can’t shake the feeling that if the camera were moved up a bit, I would see a bloody mess of veins and arteries instead of a head. How can I tell if he has one?

Signed,
Hopefully Head


Dear Hopefully Head,

Thanks for your question. Lots of women have this fear and just don’t feel comfortable talking about it, so thank you for being brave. There is no surefire way to find out if he has a head before you meet in person, but after some disappointments of my own, I’ve picked up a couple of tricks. Ask yourself the following questions: Does his body look healthy or like it’s decomposing? The attached head is an integral part of keeping a body looking healthy and not pallid. That’s a big clue. Does his bio consist of coherent sentences or is it blank? The part of the body responsible for producing language is located in the brain, which is located in the head. Are your shared friends mostly medical students writing their thesis on living without a head? Finally, don’t forget: A bloody mess of veins and arteries is considered a head on some planets, so don’t be so closed-minded.

Best of luck,

Laura

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