Twenty six-year-old Reesa Goldkind is reportedly able to channel God after having her head sucked into a black hole. Sources close to her claim she was trying to use black liquid eyeliner for the first time when things got out of hand.
“I messed up my first line of black liquid eyeliner,” Reesa explains, “then tried to correct it by adding another line, then like, kept going until my whole head was sucked into a black hole.” Although this is not the first time a person has had their head sucked into a black hole after over-applying liquid liner, this does mark the first time a person has managed to exist simultaneously in both the earthly and godly realms.
Naturally, this has meant that people from all over the world have been contacting Reesa with questions for God. Reesa says the most common questions are “Which religion is your fav?” and “What is my dog thinking?” Reesa has so far declined to answer any of these questions. “Once you have all the answers,” she explains, “you understand why there is no need to communicate them.”
This answer has really pissed everyone off. Reesa remains unfazed: “I am finally at peace. I saw God. And her eyeliner is perfect.”