Tinder has announced that should Trump win tonight’s presidential election, it will launch an American refugee sponsorship program in Canada. Record numbers of Americans have been eyeing Canadian real estate in an effort to flee the hot mess that is their country. Monster.com recently released data showing that keyword searches originating in the U.S. indicate skyrocketing numbers of Americans seeking work in Ontario amidst the clusterfuck of campaign season.
Contrary to popular belief, Americans cannot simply just move to our great nation, explained Kevin, a haughty Canadian. Common sense would also indicate that one cannot just up and re-locate to the true north strong and free, but must acquire the necessary visas. Tinder’s Canadian headquarters have therefore planned to launch an American refugee sponsorship program in Canada starting tomorrow, November 9th should Trump be elected and the United States confirm that they are truly a garbage nation.
Many Canadians see this as a human rights issue and Tinder is able to by-pass the lengthy visa process in order to make sure Americans have a safe place to ‘hang out’ should their country go to shit. Genna Schultz, of Tinder Canada explained, “there has been an enthusiastic interest from Canadians, particularly here in Toronto. Many see this as their chance to help our our neighbours to the south, but also finally ‘bag an American’ if you will.”
The program will launch tomorrow morning at 2 AM, with employees at Tinder Canada’s Toronto headquarters working round the clock to finalize the app’s updates. Canadians need to simply log on and toggle the American refugee button. Details of the programme are still being finalized. Rumours suggest that Americans simply need to begin a conversation with their Canadian matches with a simple “you up?” to initiate the process and that their profiles need to only include one gym selfie. Tinder Canada has issued a statement warning that any profiles containing selfies taken with a selfie stick will automatically disqualify American hopefuls, citing “we just can’t handle anymore of those people here”. Should the programme be put into effect, it is also important to note that it will be for hotties only.
As Americans take to the polls and many Floridians vote to elect a man who resembles diarrhea, the whole world awaits the results of what will truly be a historic night. Thousands of anxious Americans are reportedly composing their bios ahead of time to attract potential sponsorship from their Canuck matches. For quick matches and best results, Americans have been cautioned against using references to maple syrup, ‘aboot’ and polar bears. When asked about her willingness to participate, Sarah from Boston cited our hot Prime Minister as “reason enough” to apply for refugee status.
Tinder’s American refugee sponsorship programme stipulates that only if Trump wins will these drastic actions be set in place. Tinder Canada is enthusiastically #imwithher and a recent poll revealed Canadians would not want friends with benefits who didn’t want Hillary.