In a shocking new development, NASA has re-assigned the Zodiac signs after the discovery of a thirteenth sign. This will have a drastic impact on humanity as we know it, explained Astrologist, Jeanine Delaney.
Incidents of extreme behavioral changes have been reported throughout the nation. People are reportedly feeling lost and confused. Support groups are popping up all over in unfathomable numbers to help people with this life changing adjustment.
Scorpio went from being almost a month to a shocking mere six days long. Many citizens have been moved into the witness protection programme after becoming the most rare and magnetic humans alive, while former Scorpios are reportedly struggling with the loss of their jealous, sexy dispositions.
Protests were quashed in downtown Washington, at the site of NASA headquarters on Thursday evening. “I am simply not, and will not ever be a Gemini,” screamed one woman as she was restrained and removed from the situation. Meanwhile, a group of former Geminis had taken to the streets, rejoicing and weeping with joy when they discovered they were no longer the worst.
A local relationship counselor has reported an extreme increase in appointments from distraught couples. People are seeing drastic incompatibility issues. “The real issue here,” asserts Dr. Pawar, “is that we now have Virgos married to Libras.”
There are reports of riots at Queen’s Park earlier this afternoon, as the city descended into complete chaos after Capricorns became goddam Sagittariuses and the foundational values of the entire country seem to be balancing on a precipice.
One woman interviewed burst into tears, explaining the mental toll this discovery has taken on her life. She cited a deep sense of confusion and loss, “I no longer know who I am, or who my closest friends are,” explained Bethany.
A Pisces reportedly went from empathetic and selfless to “a total Aquarius.” NASA has allegedly received many threats from former Leos, asserting there is no way they are not still the Queens of the Zodiac. They assured our frontline reporters that they will forever remain lions. In these trying times, citizens are being warned to avoid sites of healers and fortune tellers, as they have been sites of chaos and turmoil in these past days and are projected to remain as such for the coming season. A study has been commissioned to determine how the recent changes will impact all of humankind.
Our world has changed and we’re just all trying to pick up the pieces.