It’s hard to know what these little aliens we grow inside of us will turn out to be. In those nine months where the creature takes over your body, before it comes out into the world and ruins your perfectly nice vagina, you’ve definitely thought about two things. “What will I call the sperm and egg soup that I created” and “who will they turn out to be?” If your mélange is a girl and you want to guarantee that she will have a bless-ed life doing administrative work, here are the five names for you:

1) Janine

Janine is the perfect name for a little girl that dreams of counting disorganization as the 11th sin. If you want your baby’s first words to be “um, for future reference…” this is the name for you. Be warned – you are also assuring that a man named Gary will leave her for his second secret family at some point in the marriage. This will largely be due to the fact that Janine can’t come until her partner says “Just checking in….”

2) Cheryl

Baby Cheryl is destined for office stardom. She will widely be considered the funniest woman in the office. No one can really explain why Cheryl is funny, nor can they point to a funny thing she’s done or said, but murmurs of “haha, she’s done it again” or “oh Cheryl, you stop that” will echo throughout the cubicles for years to come. Be warned – she will also get a very bad mom haircut about 10 years prematurely.

3) Kathleen

Kathleen may work in an office, but that doesn’t mean she can’t have fun outside of one. She watched The Hangover, and guess what? She LOVED it! She and her girlfriends get into all kinds of trouble when they hit the town. It’s 5 o’clock somewhere! Be warned – Kathleen’s antics will be considered too cute for a much-needed diagnosis of alcoholism.

4) Helen

Helen is sorry she lost that file.

5) Marbleen

Marbleen is the kind of gal that everybody in the office loves. She’s always on time, she always shares credit for her work, she loves eating babies, and she’s the first one in, last to leave. Marbleen strives to be doing something in upper management, and if she keeps her head down, and administrates like she’s in the clerical Olympics, she just might get there. Be warned – Marbleen is a cannibal.

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