Kyle’s starting to be a bit of an issue lately. We’ve all dated Kyle. You know, when you’ve been dating for eight months and now he’s starting to get a little clingy. Like, he asks you to stay the night. Last Sunday he even suggested brunch. Sure, you’re the one who has mentioned spending Christmas together and he was all in, but this guy asks how your day was and treats your elderly dog like a goddam prince. He’s simply got to go. It has nothing whatsoever to do with your own commitment issues or the fact that you’re turning thirty real soon. Nah, Kyle has got to go. Naturally, you don’t want Kyle to get hurt, so we recommend ghosting.

Here are surefire ways make sure Kyle knows it’s over and that he truly gets the hint:

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1. Put an end to all face-to-face contact.

Sure you were supposed to meet his family this weekend, but simply don’t. Don’t let him know you can’t make it. You’re the mature one, after all. Certainly don’t tell him you’re not interested in continuing this relationship. We recommend the alternative. Show up in a white sheet and be sure to cross their paths a couple of times that afternoon. Leave a cool breeze in your wake. He won’t wonder if you’ve been hurt or if your shift ran late. He’ll get a glimpse of your spooky self and realize it’s over.

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