Jess Nayar, 7, and her younger brother Cam, 5, awoke on December 1 to find that their beloved Jingles the elf had been left with a black eye. An investigation revealed that the Elf on the Shelf’s attacker was the children’s very own mother, Marlene Nayar, author of mom blog MommyDearest. Both children appear to have learned an important life lesson from a creepy $30 toy and have not been traumatized at all.
Sources close to the Nayar family say that the Elf on the Shelf had been present in the household for three Christmases and had enjoyed many bubble baths with Barbie unscathed before the unfortunate incident on Thursday night.
Marlene explained that she initially bought the Elf on the Shelf because she thought it was an excellent way to bully her children. “The whole ‘Santa’s watching’ thing just wasn’t cutting it anymore,” she wrote on her blog in a post from early December, 2013. “It’s a great way to bully my children into behaving, but also, making them work for their Christmas presents.”
Mr. Ralph Nayar was an initial suspect, but was eventually cleared of any wrong-doing or collaboration charges. When asked to comment on the violence towards Jingles the elf, he remained unfazed and simply said, “December is a lot of work. Thinking up new and sassy positions for the Elf on the Shelf is how we spend our nights. There have been some pretty wild nights of brainstorming. Lots of vision boards and my wife started using Pinterest a lot. He has become our main priority.”
Studies suggest that Elf on the Shelf gives married couples with children something to do after the kids go to bed for the month of December. “One time a few years ago – I think it was mid-December – we had nothing to do after the kids went to bed and my husband suggested sex. That was hilarious,” one mom with an Elf on the Shelf recently told our news team.
The Elf on the Shelf has always been Nayar’s favourite teaching tool. As evidenced from a blog post earlier this Christmas season, she explained last year’s teachings. “The elf is a great way to teach my children about the NSA. I think that they should know that everything they do is monitored, and that also, it’s cute if their toys come to life at night and fuck their barbies.”
This year’s blog posts leading up to the elf’s black eye seem to indicate a yearning to find new and dramatic teaching material for life lessons. Nayar laid out her plan of attack for Jingles on her blog. She took to her platform in the wee hours, writing: “It seems like my children are now obedient, but they like to tattle on one another”. She laid blame to the elf she had introduced into her own home, claiming “[the elf] has taught my children to behave, but it also represents a troubling way of life that I just cannot have instilled upon my impressionable children. Every night, my children are led to believe that Jingles heads to the North Pole to tell Santa what they have been up to. I cannot and will not have my children thinking that snitching on others is an acceptable way to live their lives. Thus, tonight, I will use Jingles to orchestrate my biggest life lesson of all: snitches get stitches.”
The blogger’s followers have left numerous comments on her latest MommyDearest post commending her innovation and brilliance. Judy Anthony, one of Nayar’s single friends who doesn’t have kids explains this well-planned attack on Jingles the elf is the latest act in a series of tableaux that have taken hold of the sanity of her once ‘seemingly sane’ friend, Marlene.
The Nayar family is representative of thousands of families who have allowed a creepy elf to enter their homes and boss around their kids for the holiday season. However, reports indicate that there appears to be no concrete evidence that the amount of people on the naughty list has decreased.