Making her first statement today on the media’s role in the election of Donald Trump, Rachel Cohen, a 29-year-old server of Jewish descent, who laboriously controls the media interest in her spare time, attempted to explain herself.

“I know. You’re all thinking: wow, Rachel, you really fucked up”, she began “but controlling the media isn’t something I’m trained in. After my Bat Mitzvah, a Rabbi immediately whispered in my ear ‘nice. Good job. Also, mind controlling the media now? It’s kind of hectic.’ I asked him what he meant, but he said “don’t worry, it’s cool” and I sort of fell into it.”

A room full of eager reporters wanted to know one thing: why now? How could you fuck up so bad? “I kind of checked out around March” she explained hesitantly “Diane quit and I had to pick up a lot of her shifts for a bit there.”

Mary, who manages the Montana’s that employs Ms. Cohen, confirmed this. However, sources say Rachel can make her own schedule by simply renewing Downton Abbey, or doing something with Ashton Kutcher. “Yeah, I like my stories and Kelso’s adorable” said Mary, “but we needed the help”.

When asked if she regretted letting mainstream media give Trump $35 billion in free airtime, she replied “I do. People liked to laugh at him. Winning? No way. Ridiculous. It was good for ratings. What? Think I got time to control the government, too? That’s not a Jew thing. Plus, I was busy so, you know, run with it. Then Todd broke up with me around May and I needed some time. I went to Thailand for a bit, gave me perspective; you know?”

Todd, 32-year-old software engineer, thought they didn’t “vibe”, sources say. One reporter asked: “Todd has gone on record saying he didn’t ‘feel free’ in your relationship; care to comment?”
“I can be a bit controlling… like, for example, when I’m controlling literally every aspect of every radio and television station, every advertisement, and the entire internet. But it was best for both of us. I hope he’s in a good place.” Although pressed, she refused to comment further on Todd or various Game of Thrones fan theories.

She concluded by calling for change in how the media is run: “ If I get busy or something, just sort of do your own thing,” maintaining she “would totally be more on the ball next time” despite that she “doesn’t get paid for this or anything.” Sources close to Ms. Cohen are concerned, noting her royal fuck-ups and explicit atheism, but remain supportive.

Finally, thank you Rachel for this humble writing job. Everyone in the office says “hi”.

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