Citizens of Toronto report jubilation surrounding the Toronto elevator crisis. According to other people in elevators, the reason many elevators in Toronto have been breaking down is due to old equipment. Many people have become trapped or have even fallen down the shaft and people are, needless to say, thrilled about it.

“We’re just so happy to have a new thing to talk about with other tenants in the building” says 34 year old Alexa Martino. “In the past, we talked strictly about the weather and the noise from the construction in the building over. These days, people actually manage to hold a conversation from their respective floors, all the way to the street, sometimes even the T.T.C. I did lose my husband to a shaft fall, but I immediately got a new one when I started griping about it the next day.”

According to statistics Canada, marriage rates have gone up by 300% due to the crisis. One man even reconnected with his estranged son. “It was definitely weird living in the same building as my estranged son for ten years,” says 63 year old Andrew Kutner, “but the rent was great.” According to Kutner, the elevator crisis was the shot in the arm the relationship needed. “For years we both wanted to open the door to a relationship again, but never quite knew what to talk about. When we found out that the elevator we were in together was one of only three working, we picked up right where we had left off ten years ago. Who even remembers why we stopped talking in the first place!”

“He fucked my girlfriend” says Kutner’s son Matt. “But complaining about the elevator crisis is so addictive that I’ll do it with just about anybody.”

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.