Twenty-nine-year-old Megan Stall has reportedly been modelling her life after one, alive-ish 117-year-old woman. It started when Megan was 18 years old. She read an article about Mitsy Bushbath, then a still very old 106, and was surprised to find out that Mitsy had been a lifelong smoker. Megan had recently started smoking as well. She took this as a sign that she had made the right choice, despite the copious amount of data to the contrary; data that could literally crush 117-year-old Bushbath if pitted against her.

Stall maintained good health into her 20s, mostly due to the fact that she was in her 20s. She took this to mean her method was working and decided to take on more of Bushbath’s lifestyle choices. She began to eat steak every night. She went to tanning beds. She knocked out her back teeth. She married a 92 year old named Harold and snorted his ashes when he died. She dabbled in crack cocaine, ate Ramen noodles every day for a year, lived with a gaggle of geese for six months, and put Baileys in her coffee every morning for 11 years. “I look and feel amazing still. Something must be working!” Despite the fact that she looks amazing, doctors recently told her that she has the cholesterol of an 117-year-old woman. “They were very specific that, internally, I’m 117. But internal age and cholesterol levels are just numbers.”

We spoke with a doctor to gain some insight on this incredible phenomenon: “Miss Stall only looks and feels great because she is 29. Literally the minute she turns thirty, she will drop dead. Yes, Miss Bushbath is 117, but you know who else is technically 117? A lot of dead people.”

Update: Miss Stall melted on her 30th birthday.

About The Author

Laura Leibow is a writer and casual Jew born and raised in Toronto. She performs stand-up comedy, and has been described as "Up next" and "Coming to the stage."

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