This weekend, Canada’s top astrologist, Carly Starmichael, was in Toronto for a conference on the position of Pluto in the night sky relative to the shadow cast by Stonehenge at dawn.  It was here that she spilled the proverbial beans, shocking many, but merely revealing what the entire industry already knew: the horoscopes you read online are deviously fabricated in an effort to profit off of the hopes and dreams of their consumers.
“The stuff you read in the easily accessible rags — anyone can write it. Half the time there are no credentials involved. But that’s not the issue at hand,” said Starmichael.
“The field leaders; people such as myself, Jana Voornczts, Michael Starcarley, the list goes on — even we can’t publish the true message of the cosmos. It’s a matter of research funding; it’s like any other field. The astrologists bringing in the most money via publication are the ones getting the most funding.” The implications are dire: people don’t really want to hear the true words of the universe. This once integrity-laden industry is completely skewed in favor of those who can produce the most perfumed “results”.
Tulip Friggs, a professor at Ghost Of Jupiter Online Academy For Divine And Paranormal Studies, expressed his relief that the truth was exposed at the conference this weekend. “In spite of the fact that I’ve been immensely successful with the distribution of my zine [Menstrual Goddess Star Chart], anybody with a shred of decency knows that transparency is a virtue. Everything I’ve ever published is a sham to line my pockets.”
He continues, “We tried to convey to you the real ineffable truths; the ethereal wonders of the rivers of time. You weren’t interested. Plain and simple. In order for the vital research to continue, we need the funding to continue, which necessitates the publishing of cock-and-bull stories about high school crushes and wise spending at the mall. We can predict to a factor of miliseconds the moment your grandmother will inadvertently defecate on the rug, slip in the fecal matter, and fracture her vertabrae on the coffee table — but nobody wants the truth. They want glamour, not candour.”
The reaction from the public has been relatively non-existent. People who never believed in horoscopes scroll past the headlines with a tell-me-something-I-don’t-know roll of the eyes, whereas those who might potentially be impacted find themselves insulated in an impervious social media echo chamber where all points of view are homogenous, and the disparate opinions that do appear are immediately dismissed as hogwash.

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