26-year-old Robyn Sturgen was shaken to her core today during her weekly scroll through ex-boyfriend Matt Fanshawe’s Instagram feed, where she discovered a picture of him with a woman who appeared to be his new girlfriend. While Robyn was prepared to see such a post, given that she and Matt have not been romantically involved for over 8 months, she wasn’t prepared for what the post seemed to convey: that Matt’s new girlfriend is a fucking extrovert.

“I can’t really explain how I knew, but I just did,” Robyn clarified for our reporter on the ground. Our own team of analysts launched an investigation into the  Instagram post in question, which shows Matt’s new girlfriend doing one of those annoyingly jovial, bon-vivant smiles where she looks like she’s laughing really hard while gazing deeply into Matt’s eyes. A quick perusal of her Instagram account also shows her dancing unselfconsciously at concerts and meeting new people while traveling, which regrettably seems to confirm that she is the kind of person who genuinely enjoys being in the presence of and connecting with people.

“I mean, don’t get me wrong,” Robyn assured us, “There’s nothing that I want more for Matt than for him to feel loved and fulfilled in life. I just think I’d be taking this a lot better if he were dating someone who looked like she didn’t know what to do with her hands in a group setting.”

When asked how she planned on moving forward with her life in the wake of this disturbing revelation, Robyn was resolute. “I mean, I think I have my work cut out for me at this point. I just have to find myself a very tall boyfriend who still has all his hair intact and just Instagram the shit out him. I need to make it very clear how tall and not-bald he is. Then I just wait.” Robyn then opened up Tinder and began furiously swiping, falling into a dissociative state that our reporter was unable to coax her out of for further comment.

Stay tuned for updates on this developing story.

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