Dear Expert,

I just started dating this SUPER AMAZINGLY average looking guy and I really think it could go somewhere. He’s 28, is sometimes a lot of fun, has a SICK tattoo of a cat mid-purr on his upper thigh, and just got his driver’s license!! I honestly don’t know how he was still single before I snatched him up. The only problem is that, okay basically… he says he has dietary restrictions. I know what you’re thinking, DUMP THE BASTARD. But honestly we connect on so many levels. Like when we are in bed together I feel SUCH a strong connection, but we also connect really well when we are on the floor or even a little higher up, like on beanbag chairs. Anyways, I’m wondering if you could maybe give me some advice on what kinds of things I should say to Jadd to let him know that I support and am here for him. Thanks a million!!!

– Signed, “Eat My Milk”

Hi “Eat My Milk!”

Thanks so much for submitting your question. Jadd sounds like a truly INCREDIBLE person. That’s why it is really difficult for me to say the following. I think Jadd’s supposed dietary restrictions will eventually interfere with your relationship in a negative way. You sound amazing and can do better than someone with dietary restrictions. I know there are a lot of good things about Jadd that you would be giving up (would LOVE to see that sweet tat), but honestly, you are a strong independent woman and you deserve a guy who will eat ANYTHING you cook for him. I’ve created a list of ten things you might want to say to him to get the message across that his dietary restrictions are petty and annoying. I’m sure he’ll understand and appreciate your honesty. If not, you can always pour 2% milk into his morning coffee and tell him it’s skim!!

A list of what to say when your boyfriend tells you he has dietary restrictions:

1. I get it, you’re a proud Jew
2. I feel like you’re super close to your mom
3. Why are you eating tuna for breakfast?
4. You don’t even know what gluten is
5. Are you part of Oprah’s book club?
6. How many tensor bandages do you own?
7. Is that tuna in your party sandwich?
8. Honestly no one can digest dairy, don’t act all high and mighty just because you immediately get diarrhea afterwards
9. Does your doctor find you annoying?
10. Stop eating tuna

As you can see, this list is a way to subtly undermine and eventually break his spirit until he finally starts to eat like a man. Hope my list helps and feel free to submit more questions!

– Signed, Expert

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