Dear Expert,

I have a new boyfriend. We are in love and I need to make sure everyone knows it. I have a compulsion to make sure everyone is aware that we are disgustingly obsessed with one another and cannot spend time apart. Actually, it’s not so much that I need them to know we are in love – I need them to know that my life is so much better than theirs now that I am not single. In addition, it is imperative that everyone I know, know about him – even if we are no longer in touch. This is of utmost importance. I hope to hear from you soon.

Crazy in Love


Dear Crazy in Love,

What an important question. I completely understand the urgent nature of this predicament with Valentines Day coming up and all. The good news is that the simplest tools are already at your disposal – social media. I recommend a couples selfie with a profuse amount of hashtags once a day. But the real power tool is Facebook. This is the easiest way to ensure that everyone from high school that you no longer talk to gets to see that you are now in a relationship.

I know that you guys talk to one another in person, but don’t assume other dummies out there know that. Simply post on each others wall. Constantly. Then have your boyfriend save his comments in real life (because we all know you’re sitting next to one another) for the actual Facebook. Trust me! It’s very effective.

You are very fortunate because you’ve contacted me at a very opportune time. With Valentine’s Day quickly approaching, everyone will want to know what you guys are up to. Please, for the love of god, do not leave them guessing. Make sure they know where you intend to dine, what gifts he blessed you with, where you got your VDay lingerie, and coyly but not-so-discreetly be sure to hint at which positions were employed during sexual relations.

Simply employ these strategies for your followers and leave them satisfied knowing that they know what you guys are up to at all times. Remember, it’s up to you to help them live an informed life.

The Expert

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