Dear Expert,

Help! I’m chatting with this new guy on Bumble and I really want to meet up soon because he has the cutest puppy. I’m not usually one for a casual hookup, but it might be the fastest way into his house to meet the dog. Here’s the scoop:
– He is holding an alligator in one of his profile pictures.
– He told me he has a huge penis and ‘to do what I want with that information’.
– One of his profile pictures is just him with a bag on his head, another is just the  picture of the back of a limo and the last one was him on a Razor scooter.
– He told me that he writes erotica from extensive personal experience.
– He just texted me to tell me he’d rather meet in person because “text is vapid.”
– He has a dog.

So what should I do? How many dick pics do I need to endure before I get to meet the dog?

Sincerely,
Confused

Dear Confused,

I’m so glad you consulted me. The answer is: as many dick pics as it takes to meet that puppy! You’re clearly new to this Bumble thing, but don’t worry. I can confirm that your patience will be rewarded. Maybe he doesn’t even own the dog – but he knows a dog and you will eventually make him lead you to that dog. The time you put in will be 100% worth it. In the meantime, go have all the sex with this wonderful man. He owns a dog. What more could you ask for? Let me tell you a secret – if a man on Bumble has a dog, he’s worth fucking. The dog negates any problematic mentions of penis size or cargo shorts. Just trust me. You may need to play the long game for this one, but that puppy is worth it.

Yours truly,
The Expert

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