When you and that special someone cuddle under some cozy blankets to stay warm this winter, lean in close and softly whisper “Freud is a hack.”

You sure know how to pick ‘em, don’t you? You’ve managed to land someone incredibly sexy. That’s not just about looks, either. Sexiness is an attitude. It’s an attitude informed by the awareness that, in his famous “Ratman” case, Freud altered his case notes and hypotheses after the fact to legitimize his approach to psychoanalysis. Let your lover know just how appreciated they are: whisper softly that while the Ratman may have had temporary relief from the symptoms of his obsessive neurotic behaviour, this is likely due to a case of temporary transference rather than a robust and lasting cure arising from complete psychoanalysis. You two are closer than ever now. You can’t justifiably call it Netflix and chill when there is this much warmth between you. You go so well together. Total power couple.

Maybe you’re looking at that special lady in your life and thinking “how did I get so lucky? She’s kind. She’s intelligent. She accepts me for who I am. I think I’m falling for her.” It might be a little early to let her know that, but you can tell her that an undeniably significant amount of Freud’s conceptual apparatus seems to just be a bastardization of Nietzsche’s treatment of internalization and ressentiment. Watch her eyes light up as you let her know that the whole practise of psychoanalysis is grounded on a sex-obsessed liar ripping off the work of a blatant misogynist whose quirky style makes him the unofficial Tosh.0 of continental philosophy. Feel how she just squeezed you a bit tighter? True love is built on these moments.

            Maybe you’re with special your fella: he’s caring and humane. Damn, girl, you landed a catch. You feel safe when you’re with him. Maybe you want to make the evening a little more special. Why not tell him about the time that fucking hack Sigmund Freud was doing a case study on pedophilia and his peer reviewers refused to publish it. Why not tell him that the reason they refused to publish his paper was because some of their children were subjects in the study which they were responsible for? Why not tell him that, instead of taking the opportunity to expose pedophilic incest, Freud changed his paper to instead say women are overly emotional because of their role in reproduction because, you know, he’s piece of shit? That he covered it up and instead chose to say that young women are essentially womb crazy. Tell him that you know he’s different. That you know he isn’t like that. It’ll make him feel good that, in so many ways, he isn’t like that shmuck Sigmund Freud. This is just one of them.

Sometimes, it’s the little things that can really make someone’s day, like buying them a coffee and intentionally putting way too much sugar in it to let them know you’re sweet on ‘em. Sometimes, it’s telling someone they look good even though they don’t and never will. Most of the time, it’s curling up on a cold winter night with the second cheapest bottle of wine, trying to not grind your genitals on anything with too much fervor or frequency, then leaning in close and telling that special someone that even the idea that Freud still commands a modicum of respect is just one more sign of our impoverished, farcical culture. Don’t accidentally make a baby out there, ya’ll.

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