Find your confidence. Get back in the game and date someone who grew up reading Spider-Man comics.

Things aren’t going so hot. It’s starting to feel like it’s been too long since you’ve been off the bench. Are you having trouble trusting people? Uncertain of everyone’s intentions? Of waiting for a text back? Well, buck-o, it’s about time you saddled up and started dating someone who grew up reading Spider-Man comics. Sound crazy? If you’re tired of dead-end dates where the best you can hope for is disappointing sex and not waking up when they leave in the middle of the night, it isn’t. Put your worries to rest by dating someone who can’t help but compartmentalize your relationship into barely tolerable 22 page bursts of bottom-tier comic book writing and “to be continued” reliability.

Emotionally unavailable? That’s okay. Just remember that your date has experienced the death of Uncle Ben at least 100 times. She can easily handle your bullshit. Unsure about what you want? Feel like cancelling your plans this weekend? May as well apologize to the wall. She’ll just be relieved that she didn’t aid in the senseless shooting death of beloved Uncle Ben by a petty robber after winning an underground wrestling match. This is the standard that all things must be measured by. And you’re not exactly an Uncle Ben, if you know what I mean.

In a rut? Bad at hiding it? Get over it by starting a relationship you can call the shots in. When you get bored, throw your new man away like that old Tupperware at the back of the fridge. The one you’ll never clean because you’re scared of the smell. He won’t mind. No group of fans has endured more consistent and brutal abuse than people who grew up reading Spider-Man monthlies. They just keep coming back! They’ re the 21st century Stockholm syndrome poster children. Get your groove back by using up one these poor souls and leaving him as little more than a biodegradable sac, if you can. Don’t exhaust yourself. It’s not as easy as it sounds!

Don’t believe me? Feign an emotional connection just shy of love for a few months, all the while talking about exclusivity and your future together. Then cheat on him. Tell him about it. You don’t even have to cheat; just say you did. Laugh as he scrambles to muster up an emotional reaction that social norms deem appropriate. It’s cool. His love of Spider-Man comics as a child has left him an empty, battered husk. If you just want to lie about cheating, tell him.

Just say you wanted to see how he’d react, you know, for a laugh. Guess what? He’ll keep dating you. He might lose track of what’s going on with one of your seven or so ongoing monthly issues. But if you thought he’d always be able to keep up with whatever story is equivalent to Spectacular Spider-Man in your life, you assumed incorrectly.

Every now and then, you owe it to yourself to pretend like you care about who you’re dating: practise having feelings again, but mostly do whatever you want. That’s when it’s time to date a Spider-Man fan. They don’t exactly care, but they will get stuck in odd, disaffected behavioural loops. Remember, you’re talking about a person was excited for Spider-Man 3. They genuinely believed it would be good. There’s just nothing you can throw at them anymore. When you’re ready to drunkenly reinstall Tinder, remind yourself to find someone who reads Spider-Man monthlies. Once you lock one down, feed off of their life-force to regain your strength and confidence. It’s not just a victimless crime. It is part of the natural order of things.

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