While it is absolutely atrocious and gross to lump people together based on their race, gender, or religion, it’s totally fine to categorize people based on their astrological sign, study shows.

The study, published by “Rigid Morality Monthly”, confirms findings that many already suspected to be true. Namely, that grouping people together based on one trait is wrong; unless that trait is an astrological sign. “Humans are naturally inclined towards categorization,” explains Doonce Googly, one of the study’s researchers. “We as people navigate through the world using schemas. We learn by grouping. I know this because I do it, and people are me, and I am people. Actually that was all the research I did for the paper,” reports Googly.

Arla Volchek, a known Taurus, and Googly’s sworn nemesis, posits an opposing theory: “This is dumb. I read his ‘study’. It’s very clearly about me. We dated for two years and broke up about two weeks before the study came out. I’m very confused as to how this got published. The thesis, ‘All Taurus’ are Def Big Whores’ doesn’t sound like very academic language. His sample pool for the study was literally one person. Himself. Also there were a bunch of spelling mistakes and a LOT of photos of him doing activities, that are made to look like they were taken by another person but were very clearly taken by him. Actually, it’s MOSTLY just photos of him going axe-throwing and eating brunch. Who the fuck published this?”

The person that published the study is Brown Holdings, the editor of “Rigid Morality Monthly.” Holdings comments on his decision to publish: “It seemed super legit. We usually ensure that an article is peer-reviewed, but in this case it was just like os bang-on-the nose. Is that how you say it? I read the thesis ‘All Taurus’ are Def Big Whores’ and I was just like ‘yaaaaaaasss, SUCH Sheila’. Sheila is my ex-wife and she is a whore. That’s too precise to deny.”

Another research paper is currently underway, this one by real scientists. “We were inspired by Googly and Holdings to write our own paper on the subject of categorizing people based on astrology. We hypothesize that the same people that are inclined towards this kind of categorization are also usually kinda racist.”

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