Dear Expert,

I have been in an “owner/dog” relationship with my sweet angel for about two years. His name is “Hurley”, but he responds to “Hurley”, “Lee”, “Bruce Lee”, “Bruce”, “Bruce Springsteen”, “The Boss”, “Boston Public”, “Public Access”, “Private Practise”, “Private Property”, “Property Brothers”, “Brother”, “Uncle”, “Uncle Andre”, “My Dinner With Andre”, and “Perfect Baby”. We have a very strong bond. He always greets me at the end of the day and asks me how my day has gone by stretching his bum up into the air. If I’ve had a bad day, he tells me that tomorrow is a new day by jumping up and giving me a hug. He knows all of my flaws and loves me in spite of them. He smells like old kibble, sometimes barks the wrong thing at the wrong time, and he is addicted to cuddles, but I love him in spite of his flaws. He is hard-working. He’s a professional floof and a registered honey-bunny. All this to say, I know I want to spend the rest of my life with him. There’s just one problem: Legally, I can’t fuck dogs in the province of Ontario. Do you think a relationship can survive without sex? Will he grow bored of me? I’m worried about our future. Please help me out.

Signed,

“Dogs Are People Too”.

 

Dear “Dogs Are People Too”,

No.

Signed,

Expert

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