You have a penis. That much is clear. And, dag nabbit, you and he are ready for a night out on the town! You with your “I have a penis” shirt, he with his “I’m his penis” shirt, both with your moustaches perfectly groomed. You throw on your FAVOURITE “Right Said Fred” song and swivel your hips in the mirror to find your groove. The night is young, and so are you.

You head to the bar to meet up with the other penis-people.  One of them is wearing his “I’m with penis” shirt with an arrow pointing down to penis. His penis is wearing an “No, I’M with penis” shirt with an arrow pointing up. You all laugh.

Across the bar you spot someone. You smile at them. They smile back. You and penis approach them. You begin to talk. You talk about food, music, love, life, and clouds. Mostly clouds. You spend about fifteen minutes explaining to them what clouds are. They did technically ask what clouds are. They said “rainy out there, huh?” Uh-oh! Sounds like someone doesn’t know anything about clouds! Better fix that, stat!

The night is coming to a close. The bar is closing. The question remains:

Is this person just being nice or will they die if they can’t see your dick?

Here are some questions you can ask yourself to get a clearer read on the situation. Did they indicate that they are fast-approaching death? Did they indicate that, for reasons unknown to science, your dick is the only thing that can keep them in these earthly realms? Do they WANT to die? Once you’ve answered all these questions, the next step is to ignore all of the answers and just say: “So, do you want to come back to mine?” If they say no, you, of course, back-off right away. You’re not an animal. Well first you respond politely with “Oh…kayyyyyy?” And then you back-off. You and penis are gentlemen.

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