Passover starts tonight and in honour of this, UNoriginal wanted to share with all those that are curious, exactly what Passover is. A few years ago, a more-Jewish friend of mine explained exactly what Passover is and how it is celebrated, so here is a brief summary of what is known in Judaism as the “Festival of Lights”.
A very long time ago, somewhere between Dinosaurs and the AIDS crisis, the Jews were making a lot of buildings that they weren’t allowed to live in. The buildings were tall, but some were small, and some were even built with a wall. (What? Oh, it doesn’t have to rhyme? I thought that was like part of Passover. Okay, I’ll drop it).
Then, one day, a guy named Moses who was very tall and hot, with rippling abs and a hot ass said to the main guy that wasn’t letting the Jews do the things they wanted to do: “Hey! We’re sick of this! We want to make and live in our OWN sandcastles!” And that’s why, right before the first seder starts, the hottest guy at the seder has to swallow a glass of sand.
So, the main bad guy, who looks like Angelica from the Rugrats, says “Ummmmmmm…I don’t think so.” At this point in the meal, everyone says in unison “Ummmmmmm….I don’t think so,” and they eat cilantro to symbolize ambivalence.
At this point, Moses is fed up. So he pulls out the big guns. He tells Angelica: “Look. You don’t know this bit. But I’m actually good friends with God. Frommmm…..like….camp? And, God will plague you if you don’t let us do the things I asked for earlier.” At this point in the seder, the “plague food” is eaten. This is Gefilte fish that was cooked and left out a month prior. The first person to puke later in the meal is officially designated “puke boy” or “puke girl” or “puke person” and that person must later confront the poltergeist, Eliyahu.
Okay, so this is the last part. Once God has sent all the plagues, Angelica and her cronies are distracted for long enough that the Jews can all gather their stuff, except for the matzah that they baked, which is why you can only eat bread on passover if you’re Jewish. Finally, all the Jews walk across the Dead Sea (you can walk on it because it’s salty) and make their way over to a different place, where they will face lots more persecution, but, more importantly, will create lots more fun memories for us to learn about later!