Well ladies! We’ve just confirmed what we’ve all known all along: murderers have more fun than their non-murderous counterparts!
The study was published by the same researchers that brought you “Intelligent people drink more alcohol” and “Hot people are better at using rocket launchers.” According to science, people that follow their murderous impulses tend to be more fun, less constipated, and more romantic than those that spend their days aimlessly wandering around, not murdering people. Murderers also tend to skip and gallivant, while non-murderers tend to walk and wander.
“We believe it has something to do with serotonin. Or those little squiggly divots in brains. I forget what they’re called. Or maybe vaccines? Yeah vaccines is always a fun one to posit,” says one researcher.
A second researcher suggests a theory from a sociological perspective: “Murderers tend to have less enemies, on account of they murder all of their enemies. Murderers also tend to have fewer parents, and fewer ex-lovers.”
Whatever the reason, it’s good to finally have validation that I’ve been doing things right!