It was supposed to be an evening of well-paced preparation followed by leisurely hangs with friends. Instead, the scene inside the apartment of 27-year-old Toronto resident Natalie Cochra has turned into a harrowing test of patience and self-restraint. Earlier today, she told friends she wouldn’t be ready to host them until 8:00 PM. We’re now receiving reports that she actually got everything done way earlier than expected and has just been sitting there since as early as 7:06, vacillating between staring at her phone and into the middle distance.
She seemed confident in her message to the group chat at noon today, having gone through the mental math of estimating how long it would take to complete the errands, self-grooming, and apartment-straightening necessary to be able to comfortably host guests. We’re hearing reports that cannot yet be substantiated that she even brushed her teeth while taking a shower, which honestly is kind of gross. Do people do that? “I just didn’t want to run out of time,” she was heard telling reporters between lazily creeping her ex on Instagram and googling “Lana Del Rey before and after lips”.
“Yeah, I guess I really shit the bed on this one,” she elaborated as the tenth consecutive Smoky Eye tutorial began to autoplay on YouTube. “I had time. I had nothing but time. The worst part is, I can’t just message everyone now and be like, ‘Come by whenever!’ It’s buy-trusted-tablets.com too late for that. I told them 8:00. That means no one’s going to be here until at least 8:30, so now I just have to fucking sit here and try not to eat this charcuterie board I put together.”
She was last seen at 7:18 PM, eating the charcuterie board she put together.