I am no fool. New Year’s Eve can be depressing as hell if you’re single, but this year I decided it was time for a strategy. I simply donned my sequinned dress that my mouse friends paw-crafted for me and off I went to the club.

My annoying girl gang had left without me because apparently Janna had to get there early because of this guy who was maybe gonna be there for 10:30, anyways, I digress. After finally arriving solo, and amidst many bottles poppin’, and all my ladies finding someone to hook up with and abandoning me, I zeroed in on a guy from across the sweaty dance floor and locked eyes.

There he was. Like no one I’d ever encountered before. We spent all night dancing, him grinding up on me, but like in a respectful way. But then as soon as the clock struck midnight, I could tell all of that leftover cheese from my mouse squad that I’d eaten earlier in the day was going to result in some very unfortunate diarrhea unfit for public washrooms—so I had to leave immediately.

Fear not, as planned, I simply left behind a series of sequins before I took off in a pumpkin-orange Honda Civic driven by my fairy god-Uber-driver, so my Prince Charming will definitely be able to track me down. My New Year’s plan has been put in action. My step-mother is being a total bitch about this whole thing, but that’s basically because her daughters both ended up with total Chads. And now I wait, I guess. And due to the nature of these dresses, I shed a total of 287 sequins so some dude is bound to find me and be my one true love.

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