This morning marks the 16th annual no-pants subway ride on the TTC. As if the subway wasn’t disgusting enough, you’ll now be able to see for sure that that man standing in front of you does, in fact, have a boner.
With masses of pants-free humans expected to enter the public sphere today half-dressed despite the extreme cold temperatures, we have compiled a list of things for you to look at instead of their bony knees and keep you from feeling like the pervert even though they’re the ones without pants.
Look at all that gum! Usually a few wads come into sights, but this is the commute when you take in all the gum your eyes ever could see. Take your time, your peepers gotta stay distracted, after all. Under the seats, behind the railings, under that poster for a school that’s 100% a scam, look at all that glorious pre-chewed gum. And of course, don’t forget to look at the lump attached to the fabric seat that the TTC decided was a good/clean idea for transporting millions of disgusting humans around day in and day out.
2. Your pants
Take those babies in all their leg-covering glory. Of all the days, this is the day to truly appreciate their warmth and most of all – their ability to cover your ass from touching those disgusting, disgusting seats.
3. The only other person in this car with pants
AKA your true love. It’s basically destiny. On this day, fate has brought the two of you together. Their at one end of the car, you’re at the other and through a sea of humans who decided to forego pants, you have found one another. Lock eyes, and let heart eyes ensue.
4. No-pants wearers, right in the eye
Look right into their corneas and lock eyes. Don’t let those eyes wander down to their bare ass, their disgusting bony legs. You, my friend, are not a creep. Your eye twitch may flare up again, but you will have proven to this person that decided they don’t need to wear pants in January that you admire their strength and courage and that you are totally not into hentai porn.
5. Anti-abortion ads
The good Christians who paid for that advertising space knew this day was coming. You’ve avoided reading those shame-laden ads for months, but this morning is the commute where you have no other choice. Take it in. Know that you’re not alone.