What a time to be alive. And dating a man who’s alive! But do you ever wonder if you’re not actually dating a real life man though? Here are 7 simple telltale signs you’ve finally found a living breathing man.

No strings attached. Sometimes a gal just wants to let loose and have fun — no strings attached. Men are good for that. Puppets are not. OMG so many strings attached — it’s cumbersome, and like, kind of a choking hazard.

Less splinters. These days you find yourself with a lot less splinters. It’s refreshing, really. Sure, there’s bound to be a few with your new beau, but far less painful. Say hello to the world of dating a real man and a world where you don’t have to keep digging out the tweezers.

Less crickets. Sure, now you have to contend with his bros, but at least here’s a lot less bossy crickets walking around. And his friends aren’t dressed as circus ringleaders.

Not being constantly confronted with his lies. Sure, the dream is to have a man who doesn’t lie to you. Period. But when I ask if this dress makes me look fat, I need to know that the answer is no. Unequivocally, without a doubt, no. Even if it is a lie. I don’t want to see any nose growth that indicates otherwise.

He isn’t hard all the time. Seriously, it gets old dating a puppet. All that wood. Hard all the time. Borderline inappropriate, actually — and so exhausting. A real man knows when the time is right.

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