If there’s something every person needs to come to terms with in their life, it’s that self-care is important. After all, if you don’t love yourself with consistency, who else will? With this in mind, we’ve put together a list of the eight best ideas for total self-care that will send you hurtling further into the inky abyss of sadness when they don’t make any noticeable difference in your life! Ready? Let’s go!
1. Take a bubble-bath
Let’s start with a classic: wile away the hours with a lush, magnificent bubble bath. Get out the fancy bubble oil you got as a birthday gift three years ago, because you are about to relax hardcore! Of course, the act of lying prone in increasingly filthy water won’t do a thing to make your student debt any smaller, will it? And every second you spend “luxuriating” in fetid water will be a second you could have spent hustling more, because let’s be honest, are you even sure you’re going to be able to make rent next month? Take the bubble bath, idiot, you’re just going to feel worse when you do. For added decadence, don’t forget to use a scented bath bomb and pour yourself a perfectly chilled glass of Pinot Grigio.
2. Have a phone-free day
Nothing ruins your day more than constantly checking your cell, right? So why not give yourself an entire day without the hassle of worrying about being “on call” 24/7? Well, I can think of a few reasons: that phone is the only reason you have a job, any friends, or any life to speak of. You think you can just put it away for a day and you’re gonna feel better? You really are an idiot.
3. Pet a cat
If the internet has taught us one thing, it’s that cats are the best. Who can be stressed when you’re petting an adorable ball of fluff and sweetness? If you’ve got a kitty you owe it to yourself to take some time to pet him or her, and if you don’t, find a friend’s one hanging around outside! And if it wasn’t thuddingly obvious already, this isn’t going to help at all. A cat. Really? That’s what you’re going to do to deal with the fact that you’ve got serious mental health issues and you can’t even afford a therapist to deal with them? Is petting a cat going to help you take care of your rapidly aging parents when they can’t take care of themselves anymore? If so, sounds like a pretty fucking sweet cat. Congratulations.
4. Shopping spree!
In the words of Donna Meagle from Parks and Recreation: Treat yo’self! Shake the dust off those credit cards and go to town on some serious retail therapy. Because you know all about that dress you’ve had your eye on, or that Nintendo Switch, or…Jesus, are we really doing this? You’re going to go more in debt? Just so you can have a single day of “happiness” as you stumble your way through the new Mario game? Is that worth mortgaging your future? Are you only really happy when you’re consuming? Don’t forget to finish your day off with a spa visit — treat yo’self!
5. Death by chocolate
Maybe you can watch your calories 364 days a year, but for one day it’s in your own self-interest to give yourself up to the sweet goddess we like to call…chocolate. Chocolate may not be the best for your shape, but it is the best for the shape of your heart. From a handful of Hershey’s Kisses to a flat of the highest-end boxed chocolates, why not treat yourself to some creamy mocha excess? Why not? Why? Why do anything? You’re already unhealthy as shit because you drink too fucking much, do you really think you need a day where you make yourself puke because you’ve eaten too much fucking chocolate? If you give this “self-care” advice a try, I guarantee you’re going to end up fatter and more miserable, so it’ll be basically just be another day in the life for you. Fun fact: white chocolate isn’t technically chocolate, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t technically delicious!
6. Get a massage
You’re tense, you know it, you can feel all those knots in your back and shoulders. So why fight it, go see a massage therapist! You may get some temporary relief from your horrid life for a few moments after the massage is over, but it’s not going to last. Soon those old familiar feelings will be back: doubt, self-loathing, hatred, all of them. And the massage you’ve just dropped 95 dollars on will have done absolutely nothing to dam the flood.
7. Scream into the void
You think the void can help you? Cute.
8. Surround yourself with positive people
Nothing hurts your self-esteem more than negativity, so what you can do to h–yeah, no, you’re not even getting a full sentence into this one. You can’t possibly think that “surrounding yourself with positive people” is going to do a goddamn thing, do you? You’re smart, or you think you’re smart at least. None of this garbage helps. It never could! You might as well be claiming you’re going to stand atop the tallest mountain and strangle God with your bare hands, it’s just as likely. But sure, whatever, give all this garbage a try. I’ll be here waiting for you when it all inevitably fails.

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