I’m on a journey. Last year I decided I was going to start fucking people in libraries in order to learn more about myself and maybe learn how to read. Today is day 364 and I’ve learned a lot. I’ve learned that I’m more resilient than I thought I was. That I’m self-assured and expressive. I’ve learned that cum makes book pages stick together, just like in the movies; and finally, I’ve learned that there are four books you can pretend to read that will almost guarantee you sex in a library.

1. Barney’s Version

This is the perfect book to pretend to read. It’s dense and heavy so it will make your arm muscles bulge, which people who fuck in libraries love.

2. Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows

If you really want to get fucked good in a library, this is the book for you. While you stare blankly at the page, you can be assured that a soul-less library fuck-bot will be staring blankly at you. Hogwarts? More like fuck-city.

3. Lonely Planet: Iceland

Sometimes instead of getting fucked, you’re just in the mood to get felt up over the shirt while you look at pretty pictures of Iceland. This book has lots of pretty pictures of Iceland and will help attract a fellow horned-up illiterate.

4. The Bible

“And on the fourth day, God created wet pussies”. It’s direct quotes like these that make the Bible the perfect book for getting your genitals rubbed at the library.

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