If V-day is fast approaching and you’re feeling like you can’t get your man to commit to anything more than a “we’ll see where the night takes us” this Valentine’s, we’ve compiled just the list for you. If he’s scared of the c-word, make a man yours forever with these super simple, super effective ways to make him stop floundering on his love for you and stay put once and for all.
1. Take him on a romantic stroll — and get down on one knee. We don’t know where you’re gonna be this Valentine’s Day, or what kind of temperatures you’ll be facing. But allow us to make a case for getting outdoors. The good news about a February stroll is that the beaches are basically empty and the moon and stars are out by the time your grandpa sits down to watch Jeopardy. If he’s the one, but he’s just not committing yet, make up his mind for him. Simply go for a romantic stroll and when you pass under the tree where you’ve assembled a net, get down on one knee and pull that cord. A net will fall from the tree above, and trap him. You can take him home and keep him for keeps!
2. Tell him you’re pregnant over a romantic candlelit dinner at the bistro where you met. Nothing says you better stick around than “I’m having your baby”. Or not. But if he’s a half-decent human he’ll at least think about sticking around. Even if he doesn’t, the good news is that this trap is built around him staying or leaving. It’s as simple as this: Rig the leg of his chair so that when he stands up to leave, or come around the table to comfort you, a rope is pulled, connected to a dart gun that then shoots a dart right into his upper thigh, injecting him with a tranquilizer, giving him physically no option but to be yours this Valentine’s Day.
3. Take him to see an action movie this Valentine’s Day. Nothing wins over a man than a gal who likes a good action flick. A real guy’s gal, she can laugh at all the great jokes in the action movies and even provide cute commentary at all the fun explosions. To make sure he legitimately has no option but to stick around, physically stick him to the seat. For this one, you’re gonna need lots of glue traps, and you can simply adhere them to the seat while he heads to concessions to grab you guys a popcorn to share. Not the most convenient for day trips and cute brunch selfies of the two of you, but girl, you put in the work, now enjoy the payoff.
4. Make him a romantic dinner — it’s the key to his heart. This one takes a bit of prep, but basically you’re gonna want to build a serious lair below your home. Once you’ve assembled a Snow-White-wicked-witch-canals-and-secret-space-under-your-home-level lair under there, then comes time for the dinner prep. You’re gonna want to let that teriyaki salmon marinate at least 4 hours. Once dinner has been prepped, set up the dining area right overtop the entrance to your tunnels. After he’s dined upon the gourmet meal you’ve prepared and assured you you’ve earned the keys to his heart, simply press the button, allow for the ground below him to give way to a path leading him to your newly reno’d man cave. Now you’ve got the key to his heart, and to his freedom!