It’s Valentine’s Day, which means love and sex are in the air. That’s right! Science has proven that when enough people have sex, an invisible mist of sex particles forms over a city and keeps that city very aroused, and arousing! That’s why Valentine’s Day is the absolute perfect day to tell your significant other, “Hey partner. You’re lookin’ mighty fine today. Why don’t you take a seat while I slowly and erotically take off these layers of lies that are hiding my real personality.”
1. Before you tell them you hate music, gussy up that face of yours and cover your hottest body part in chocolate.
So your partner considers music “their one true passion” and you think music just sounds like talking but louder and with more shenanigans. No biggie! Douse your hot ass or sexy lips or thick AF elbows in some chocolate sauce and your partner won’t even know the difference between real music and the resounding sound of your truths.
2. Thinkin’ of letting ‘em know that you secretly made a key to their shared apartment? Stay on theme and dress up as a sexy locksmith.
Oh, big deal. You like to explore apartments that aren’t yours during the daytime. Think of yourself less as a snoop and more as a detective in a film noir! You have to solve the case of what your partner is hiding from you because, as in all film noirs, it’s always something! Your partner is at work, what do they care about your daytime hobbies! This valentine’s day, let your partner know that you trust them enough to tell them about how little you trust them by dressing up as a sexy locksmith and acting out some sexy lock-changing role-play. Better yet, really change a lock! Specifically the one to your partner’s study because that’s for sure where they’re hiding the big secret and you want to be the only one with access to that room from now on!
3. While you tell your partner that you fantasize about killing their cat whenever they talk to a hot person, do your best Marilyn Munroe impression.
Uh oh! That brain of yours is doing pesky things again! Your deep distrust of your partner will be surpassed only by the sexiness of that Marilyn Munroe impression you’ve been working on for weeks now. You’ve been working on a Marilyn Munroe impression, right? Or do you not care about sexiness? Wait, do you not care about sexiness? Then you better keep that personality of yours locked away in your partner’s study with all the other secrets! Or just figure how to be fucking sexy. It’s not that hard!
4. Tell your partner about your weird fetish by acting out a cuter more socially acceptable fetish.
Well, it’s finally deep enough into the relationship that you should tell your partner that you’re sexually aroused by doll play, or nail-biting, or cousin-stuff. Not to worry. Just act on some way cuter fetishes like foot-stuff or BDSM. Specifically the cute letter. That way, you can ease your partner into a fetish that is decidedly less cute!
Well, that’s it! We here at Unoriginal wish you a very happy Valentine’s Day and a very sexy truth telling!