The year was 1961. The new nuthouse had just been built and I was commissioned to paint it. It was a different time. We were still allowed to say “nuthouse”. I asked the contractor what he wanted. He whispered, sensually, “50 Shades of Grey.” I knew then that I would never be the same. From that point forward, my life would be erotic, and full of shades of grey. Here are some of the shades we used at the sanitorium.

Pallid Aunt: This sensual shade was a pleasure to work with. It was even and well-behaved, but messy and naughty at the same time. Like the Pallid Aunt it’s named after, it can’t be trusted with my heart. But it can be trusted with my body.

Asylum Grey: This was the standard colour for Asylum painting at the time. You may think it overdone and boring, but I knew better. When you get this colour going, she can really put on a show. Like most of the unassuming greys, she was sexually very dominant. Others would have found this surprising. Not me.

Gentle Grey: This grey was of note because when I dipped my paintbrush in it, I always ended up with my arm fully submerged in the paint can. Like a siren, she pulled me in, and once I was in, I couldn’t get out.

Cummy Grey: This was the grey of warriors, of champions, of stallions. This grey took me places I never thought I could go: to the 2nd floor of the asylum, to the 3rd floor of the asylum, and to full orgasm.


The UNoriginal team has not seen 50 Shades of Grey. This is what we assume it is about.

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