Sports! There’s just so many of them on television right now. And if you’ve found yourself in a crowd of people who really love to watch the sports, you may want to impress them with your knowledge. Here are 17 innocuous yet eloquent phrases for the next time words escape you during sports time — or when you’re only there for the snacks.

The specifics

Truly impress them with your attentiveness and the sheer detail with which you can participate in sport-time commentary.

1. That skate dancer competitor is wearing a uniform that reminds me of a stray sequin I once found on the ground outside of a Home Depot.

2. One time I fell in love with someone who works at the Olympic clothing section of the bay. He was an aspiring Olympian himself. Let’s watch for him!

3. Snow!

4. I hope we don’t see anyone get torn apart by their own skates. The human epidermis is made up of….

5. I watched the sports all weekend long so I’m a bit fatigued if you’re wondering why I am a little bit quieter than usual with my precision commentary.

The pivots

For when you still want to sound worthy of listening to, but you’re sported out.

6. Did you know our site got hacked by Korean porn?

7. Hey what’s going on with the threat of impending nuclear war these days?

8. Oh I just can’t wait to be king.
You’ve rather a long way to go, young master, if you think-

No one saying, “do this”
Now when I said that, I
No one saying, “be there”
What I meant was

No one saying, “stop that”
Look, what you don’t realize
No one saying, “see here”
Now see here!

Free to run around all day
Well, that’s definitely out
Free to do it all my way

9. Hey Tom! So tell me when you and Elizabeth plan on getting married!

10. I’m pregnant.

The showstoppers

Keep these bad boys in your back pocket to really dazzle your sport friends and ensure you get invited back for more sport-time.

11. One time when I landed a triple axel…

12. Tessa Virtue & Scott Moir used to be my aunt’s stepdaughter’s mom’s gardener’s favourite ice dance duo. It really, truly is a small world, isn’t it?

13. South Korea.

14. Nooooooooooo. Yesssssssssss. Phew, that was a close one, amirite, you guys?

15. I was so excited just now, I peed a little. On your couch.

Bonus

Two phrases to impress them. Because just when they think you’re going to zig, you jag.

16. No, Susan, I will not be quiet with my sport talk.

17. I am sad that the sports are almost over. Let’s be sure we all get together for next year’s Olympics, too!

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