1) Tom Hanks
Tom Hanks has a reputation for being one of the nicest guys in Hollywood, and my experience certainly confirms that! The $2.5 million I extorted from the Forrest Gump star in exchange for not reporting his extramarital affair to his wife and the press has thankfully not put a fatal strain on our longtime friendship. In fact, just last weekend, the two-time Oscar winner and I visited Knott’s Berry Farm and went on Montezooma’s Revenge—and quite frankly, he might’ve been even more scared taking that plunge than he did when I showed him “those” photographs!
2) Chris Pratt
Chris Pratt is widely viewed as an amiable, goofy everyman, and for the most part that’s true. He’s only human, though, and I definitely experienced some friction with him after threatening to tell the tabloids about an old assault conviction of his unless he coughed up two hundred grand. Thankfully, as a goodwill gesture, I lent him this really obscure skateboarding video he’d been trying to track down for ages, so it was all water under the bridge after that. He even got me a cameo in Jurassic World in a scene that was eventually deleted. (I get my stomach slashed open by a pterodactyl—good thing I had that two hundred grand to cushion the blow!)
3) Lady Gaga
Lady Gaga and I were on the high school swim team together, and we were close enough that she confided in me when she had her main rival injured with a crowbar before a regional meet. I kept mum at the time because I would’ve gained nothing from divulging this information, but after she became a pop star, I suddenly found a new incentive to blab. Thankfully for her, a cool $5 million was enough for me to keep my trap fastened. We’re not tight like we used to be, unfortunately; our relationship is now strictly professional. (I’m her personal trainer and her cousin.)
4) Laura Prepon
I met the That 70’s Show and Orange Is the New Black star at a party at Topher Grace’s house in 2003. (I got in because I was, and am, Wilmer Valderrama’s spiritual advisor.) We dated for a short period until she discovered that I was posing as her on That 70’s Show message boards in order to get people’s credit card numbers. (This was surprisingly easy—once people thought I was her, I just had to ask!) She threatened to call the cops, but I countered by threatening to leak the messages that “Laura Prepon” had exchanged with those gullible losers. She now hates my guts, and what’s worse, I got no money from her and only $2,000 from those credit cards. (There were not as many multi-millionaires hanging out in That 70’s Show message boards as I would’ve thought.)
5) Tom Bergeron
I met Dancing with the Stars host Tom Bergeron ten years ago when I was working in the clubhouse of a golf course he frequented. We hit it off, but then things took a turn at one of the clubhouse’s holiday parties. I was standing by a platter of cream puffs, and he made his way over, started stacking them on his plate, then looked at me and muttered, “Don’t tell my wife—I’m supposed to be on a diet!” I then joked, “A hundred grand or I spill the beans!” His eyes turned blank with rage, and ever since, he has made it his mission to destroy me. He has killed my entire family and once firebombed my apartment building. I’ve told him I was kidding, but he refuses to believe me. He has made it clear that he will prolong my demise for as long as possible to torture me, but that, rest assured, he will deliver my destruction. Given Tom’s gumption and work ethic? I don’t doubt it for a second!