By Joel Edminston

I went to a party in Tom Hanks’ backyard and had an absolutely terrible time. I know I’m going to get accused of being too negative for this, but listen, if I wrote reviews for all the exceptional backyard socials I’ve gone to, I’d be writing one everyday, which is what makes this particular event so historically awful.

It’s not hard to put on a nice backyard social; a couple finger sandwiches, a jazz band, at least a small chocolate fountain. I’m easy! He may be “America’s Dad”, but he clearly does not even have a grasp on how to properly host this sort of function. Once you read this list of my 7 biggest complaints about the evening, I think you’ll come to agree with me.
1. There was no coffee.
Thank God I brought a French press in my backpack.
2. It was very late at night.
Who the fuck has a backyard social at 3AM?
3. Tom Hanks didn’t even say hello to me.
He just stayed inside the whole time. I’m pretty sure the punk was sleeping.
4. Colin Hanks wasn’t there either.
As a matter of fact, nobody was there. I was extremely lonely.
5. There was no valet service.
Usually at these things, there’s at least signs showing you where you can park. At this one, the gate wasn’t even open. I had to leave my van on the street and climb the fucking thing. Not to mention, the doors to get in the house were locked, so I had to break a window to get to the bathroom to take a shit.
6. His dog bit me.
It happened right after I got out of the bathroom. You’d think a movie star would be classy enough to dress his Rottweiler with something other than a chain-collar. On top of that, there was this loud, annoying ringing noise blasting through the whole house. And then, this Swedish guy who wasn’t Tom Hanks came downstairs and beat me with a fire-poker. He shouted about how I was an intruder in his home. I would have assumed he and the dog had drank too much of the MDMA-laced coffee that I made had I not finished it myself. Either way, if Tom hadn’t invited such loose cannons to this kind of casual affair, I would not have had to waste two bullets from the small gun I’d brought in my backpack.
7. The shallow graves I’ve dug for my attackers are an eyesore in an otherwise marvelous backyard layout.
Not to mention, they’re a tripping hazard. But yes, the shrub designs are terrific.

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